The sky is leaden as I let the dogs out, matching my current mood. I think I might hear a distant rumble still far away. I woke this morning with a sense of foreboding. As the day wears on I seem to be drowning in my own darkness.
I make no secret that I am bi-polar and I dutifully swallow my magic pills daily. Contrary to what most people believe, this does not prevent depression. It only makes me able to cope and recognize it for what it is. I can't seem to settle today. My mind going in too many directions. I have plenty of busy work to do, but that won't occupy my mind, just my hands.
I don't want to talk to anyone, I just would love to escape into something. I tried to read, but the store phone keeps ringing with travelers not wanting to continue their journey into what looks to be a good storm brewing. I did try to nap, but a combination of factors prevented that. HeWho has fixed the air conditioner and it was blowing ice tinged air right on me and my dogs. All four dogs were touching me on the couch and I sunk lower and lower into thier body warmth, then the phone rang and just as I was about to drift off again, HeWho had left the building came back in and a symphony of barking dogs intent on alerting me jarred me awake and I left that idea behind.
I wondered outside for a bit and carefully dug up a few bulbs of various Iris plants to take with me when I leave. Then I got a little maudlin as I looked up at my trees that I so carefully dug up as tiny saplings and lovingly planted and coaxed into what they are now. That was not uplifting, as I thought about the new growth next Spring will bring that I won't be here to see. I will be leaving a rather large imprint of me in my gardens.
So, I came back inside. I went to my closet thinking I would do some more purging. I eliminated only 4 items before losing interest in that. Thought about calling one of my children and then decided thay had lives and didn't need to be burdoned with my problems. I could have called anyway, but felt like it was too much to pretend to be up beat.
I happened to see my hair in the mirror and it is literally standing on end. I suppose I should just count my blessings and grind out the remainder of the day and hope for a better one tomorrow.
I am ever thankful for my no-contact check-in. Not only saving me from others' free floating germs, but you only see a distorted view through that plexi, so all I did was to run my fingers through the hair to make it lay down. On a different note, I don't know these people and they don't know me, so who cares if I am well groomed or not?
I am thankful that there is interest in the park. I do wish the process was a lot faster, but ....
I am most thankful for my family. Everyone is currently healthy and thriving for the most part. Knowing they are happy makes me happy.
I am thankful for HeWho loves me. I am not easy to love. He seems to find the good in me in spite of my ever changing attitudes. He makes me crazy, um, crazier, but he is a keeper.
I am thankful for most of the people that adorn my every day life. They are those who do not wish me well, but that would be their problem.
I am thankful for all my fur babies, who love me unconditionally. Even Adorable Dora the turtle loves me and responds to my voice. I accidentally gave her a little kiss the other day, so I am thankul she did not transmit salmonella to my lips.
I am thankful to have a roof over my head and food to eat. I am thankful for my careful aim with a fly swatter, as well.
I am thankful for this platform to express my thoughts and that a day is only 24 hours long, giving an opportunity for a new start tomorrow. Almost like God knew what he was dong, right? So, last, but not least, I am thankful for an all knowing God. I will just leave all this in his hands and make it until night fall and bed.
Counting your blessings does help when you just want to wallow in self pity and despair. Now I just need the grace to check in the last campers of the day without being rude or offensive. I have a little sarcasm issue, in case you haven't noticed.