The dark side would appear to be winning. The last Effexor I took was either on the 1st or the 2nd of the month. I ordered it in time, but used the old RX # that was expired and some idiot put it on "hold". There were attempts to phone me.......I didn't return the calls for whatever reason or another, I guess because I knew there was another RX on file that had not expired and I assumed there just might be someone there to pull their head out of their ass and fill it.....
Maybe I was sabotaging myself. Maybe I enjoy thoughts of self-loathing and insignificance. Could it be that I like those images that linger just beyond the edge of consciousness? Or..... could I be in denial, thinking that I am strong enough to fore go the drugs and remain sane. For what ever reason I am without the drugs that keep me from falling off the very edge of life. It is on order and supposed to be in the mail. Maybe today............. or tomorrow. The tracking # they provided is not tracking.
Why haven't I called them? I don't have an answer for you. Self-loathing? Maybe. Not sure. The situation is here, though, and as much as I don't want to, I will have to deal with it. I am also physically sick. Dizzy, my head hurts and I hear a 'whooshing" sound in my ears if I turn my head a certain way. Can't sleep. I am truly unpleasant to be around, but seem to be unable to stop the words that fly out of my mouth. Even when I am sane and in control I will use my words as weapons at times; and I have no doubt that if I had an actual weapon I would have already used it.......... many times.
Too much to do and too little time to get it done in....... nothing new about that. The difference is that I can't seem to organize my thoughts to prioritize the projects that need doing. Or........... in my current state I just don't give a damn. Why am I writing all this down? Really don't know. Will anyone read it besides me? Don't know that either. Maybe I will save this to ponder in the future so that I won't put myself in this position again. Or not.
What I really want to do this very moment is crawl into the dark closet with my blanket and hide from life. I am not speaking metaphorically. I really crave the tight walls and darkness. I wonder what a shrink would have to say about that.......... re-entering the womb? Don't know, don't really care.... because to care about anything right now will put me in a rage. What does this make me? Drug dependant, for sure. Someone who thinks too much? I can't find the on/off switch.