We gathered at this marker to say goodbye to my son last Saturday afternoon. This a good likeness of him. My son-in-law, Steve, did he artwork and captured him quite well I think. He included an image of the sports coat I made for him that I remembered in an earlier blog post.

He was only 39 years old. That is a short life....... so sad.

The sky was clear and the sun was shining. It was a fine day. I was in my own little world as the service proceeded. I shed a few tears and hugged a few people when approached, but mostly stayed to myself.

My mind was far away, filled with memories that only a mother can have. I remember the first time he was placed in my arms and all the times since as he grew up. I lost my son a long time ago. His death just made it official.

As we prepared for our trip south to bury my son's ashes, I wrestled with my feelings and finally decided to spread his ashes. I could not bear the thought of putting him in a hole. I talked to my children and they all told me to do what I thought was right. I thought about my son a lot in the past month and a half since his death. He was unconventional and rarely cared what others thought of his actions.

With that in mind, I carefully filled a big ziplock bag with ashes from my woodstove and took them along with us. I intended to swap the ashes so that I could set him free into the wind. I couldn't show up with an empty bag since all the arrangements for interment had been made. And.... the more I thought about it, the more I knew in my heart that Bobby would love it. So, on a hillside in north Georgia, at 11:23 in the morning I loosed my son's ashes to the wind. I was balanced precariously during this process, so that the pictures aren't all that great. I think he would have loved it had I rolled down the hill...........

It wasn't an easy thing to do. I had thought it would be emotional, letting him go for the final time. I thought I was prepared. We opened the box from the mortuary and lifted out the bag with the seal on it. I remarked that it was heavier than I thought it would be. I hefted the bag, then cradled it in my arms. It was about the weight of a baby and I held him one last time before I opened the bag and released him onto the ground and into the wind.

I thought about all those dreams you have for that new baby you hold in your arms. They were long gone, as children rarely perform as you want them to. You always think that you will protect your child from everyone and everyhing; but in the end you realize that it is not possible. As I stood on that slope with my face pushed into the bark of a pine tree crying I let him go for the very last time.

I am at peace with my decision to set him free. I like to think that he soared up to the heavens and is finally at peace.