Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Melancholy. Mr. Webster's definition of this word is depressed in spirit, dejected, sad. That is a pretty apt description of my current state of mind. I guess it is normal to feel this way and for the past few days I have been simply letting this dominate my life. Oh, I continue to function and do all the chores that are absolutely necessary, but with a heavy heart. I have been reading and commenting and I have started to post a couple of times and erased them. They were too depressing.

I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to share this state of melancholy with others. I am supposed to be upbeat and witty. I am supposed to make decisions and follow through. I am supposed to make you laugh. I can't do it today and don't think tomorrow will be any better. I also feel guilty that I am using my husband as a buffer and he is as melancholy as I am. He has only me to talk to about the way he feels. I have a friend who checks on me every day. I am able to tell her just how crappy I feel. She listens and never judges. Love of my life is trying to be there for me and he doesn't have a friend to lean on.

In order to make this pilgrimage to my son's memorial service we purchased a '97 Class C motor home. I checked into renting one and ....... it made more sense to purchase something, then sell it when we get back. I used all my cash reserves for winter to do this and hope that I can recoup my money when I return. I spent the morning cleaning the RV and beginning to load in the necessities to travel. It is very compact, this new ride and I ended up removing the table to accommodate the dogs' kennel. The dogs are the reason we travel in our own accommodations. The cost to kennel them...... plus the fact that Oscar (aka Spawn of Satan) would no doubt bite his keeper and we would have to pay extra for that,assures that the dogs go with us. Emmy is delicate, having broken her back and having her spine fused....I would be worried about her the whole time. And then there is Wall-E, the blogging dog. He is afraid of his own shadow and would pee himself and whimper the whole time. The kennel is for him. It contains all things familiar to him and is where he goes when he is overwhelmed by life. (Wish I had a kennel!)

The bed is made and bathroom is clean and stocked with all the necessities. It is so small that you can multi-task from a sitting position. The shower stall; what can I say. I was going to put the kennel in it, but it's not big enough. Showering should be quite an event. The kitchen is small, but all I need is the microwave to heat up the pizzas and sandwiches that didn't sell this past season. Paper plates will make the nice double sink useless. I am not outfitting the kitchen, since we plan on selling it as soon as we get back. It has a 9 inch TV and a dish! Love of my life will no doubt take a larger set for the trip. Hey, we have priorities! All I care about is that the bed is comfy and the dogs will be with us.

I am thinking that I should either go for a walk while the sun is shining or go bake some cookies for my husband. Maybe I will do both and this will be a day of great accomplishments........


Karen said...

Kathy, you're probably right in thinking that tomorrow may not be better in terms of being sad and depressed, at least not that you'll notice. But next week will be, a little. And the week after that. A month from now you will see a difference. Really. Pain that goes through your whole soul is nothing you bounce right back from. Healing happens, but it's one little part of you at a time, and it takes awhile for those healing parts to add up. But they will.

Good idea to bake those cookies. Cookies are healing - baking and eating them! Something very comforting about a warm, sweet cookie. Go for it.

Does Oscar know my Jack (the other Spawn of Satan)??

lifein3dee said...

I had been wondering about you. I know there aren't just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Carol said...

Dogs are a VERY good reason to RV, one of the best reasons.

I think you are doing AOK my dear, your kind of pain and grief and not to be recovered from quickly. Your readers do NOT mind your online blog venting.

We all send lots of HUGS and healing prayers.

Have a safe run to the memorial service. Cry hard and long, feel it, it will be a good thing.

scarlethue said...

A walk in the sun and cookies sound like two things that could make both you and him feel better. All I can say is that you have to give it time, but you know that.

I hope you can have some fun on your trip with your dogs, despite the sad reason for it. Maybe you should plan a day of fun somewhere along the way back, stop over somewhere and tour something you've never seen, or stop at a favorite town for a favorite meal, or just something to lift your spirits.

Oh My Goddess said...

One of the best things I realized about blogging was that I felt much better after writing about something that made me feel sad.
I hope you are feeling a little better.
Be kind to yourself.

ellen abbott said...

Losing a child is not something you just bounce back from, even one from whom you were estranged. We don't expect you to be all those things you think you ought to be. Grieving takes time. You will have plenty of time after the memorial service to start to look forward.

Our hearts are with you Kathy. Do your grieving.

Jilly said...

I wish I had something that would magically make you feel better. I don't. I love you and I think that you will feel better after you have your closure.

Brian Miller said...

i caught your comment about this on my blog the other heart hurts. know that you are loved...bake the cookies...take the walk...smiles.

luksky said...

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but you read my blog and know that I am not good at consoling. Do know that you are in my thoughts during this hard time though....

Meggie said...

I am sure tomorrow will be better. Losing a child is too hard to contemoplate. In a sense, you lost him twice.
I am glad you are taking your dogs, what a caring owner you are!
Good luck for the trip, & also, the re-sale.

Meggie said...

Obviously, that would be contemplate! Hugs from OzXX

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Someone asked the question yesterday that if you could invent something then what would it be. I said a device that would let me take away the pain of grief and heartbreak from a person just for a period long enough to give them peace and comfort and for the person to see what the future holds. In the thick of grief we can’t see a way through it and merely function like automatons just to get through the day. I used to wonder when I would ever laugh or feel joy again without a heavy guilt engulfing me. And yet you do in time because life goes on and others depend upon you and there is an innate sense of survival in most of us and so we take one step at a time. There is no shelf life for grief so it takes as long as it takes. Eventually some colour will come back into your life but my thoughts are with you for the funeral and the personal journey you have to make afterwards. We never move on from the loss of a loved one, just find a different place to cope with it. I wish I could give you a hug. X

otin said...

You are not supposed to act any specific way. When you are hurting, it is helpful sometimes to write about it. I hope that you can feel better soon, but just know that if you need to vent your feelings that I am here to listen!

Alix said...

I think you can forgive yourself for feeling melancholy, Kathy. In fact, being melancholy is a whole lot better than most mothers would be facing a long trip toward a final goodbye to their son.

You remain in my thoughts, heart, and prayers. I hope you find some enlightenment and beauty along the way to the memorial. And I hope you find peace.

Kathy G said...

You're not supposed to be or do anything! You've going through a trauma that few people have, and your body and mind need to recognize it. It WILL get better.

Safe travels to you. The dogs will be wonderful loving companions on your trip.

Joy and Phil said...

When I lost my son we were not estranged and I thought I was doing just fine ... didn't even cry at the graveside. But, I sobbed every day for a year when i took my shower. Phil tells me I grieved outwardly for FIVE years. I had no idea but it was obvious to everyone who knew me. There is nothing that will end this process except time. However, nothing will fill the hole in heart until the day I die.
Celebrate the good times you had with the boy and talk about him, blog about him, remember him. I hear you and send you hugs!
(you could send me a cookie :)

Anonymous said...

To start with im very sorry about what haves happen to your family. But truely all i can say is turn to the LORD JESUS CHRIST.He is your peace and hope and joy. He will fulfill all your needs like no one can. But jesus chirst can do all things please just look to him he will help.

Yaya' s Changing World said...

I don't know you and I don't know what took your son from you. I do know that my heart is reaching out and embracing you with love. If I could impart comfort, you can be sure I would.
When one of my boys was hit by a car, that was one of the greatest heartaches I have ever experienced.
Although we were fortunate to have him remain with us, I assure you that I feel your heartache and pray with you and for you. May I lend my tears towards the healing for you and the love of your life? Many, many hugs. ~ Yaya

Yaya's Home

labbie1 said...

My dear--as you feel truly crappy, sharing the feelings with friends who care can help. Know that the feelings will get better a bit at a time after you make your trip to take your son back home for the last time.

The time of interlude can be so terribly difficult, but healing will come--small tiny steps at a time!

Know that I am sending you warm hugs of comfort and reassurance.

Drew is a wonderful man and I am glad that you have him to lean on during your time of need. We, your friends, are here to help bear your hurts and burdens until you can stand strong again, remembering the beauty of the birth of your son and your feelings of love without all of the hurt of his death.

Travel safely! Hugs!