Thursday, November 5, 2009

Free Motion

I was driving down the interstate today on a run to the grocery. The sky was blue with white fluffy clouds and the sun was shining. After all the rain I was in hopes that this would lighten my spirits. I have been sad since my son died. Sad seems like an inadequate word... and it is. I don't have words to express what has been in my mind and heart. I don't know that those words even exist. I have been in a sort of fog since I was told of his death and I know that I have a lot of feelings to sort and that will take time.


It was in this mood that I was driving along. Just staring out the window I happened to look up ahead to see a flock of birds suddenly swoop down and then up again and suddenly disappear. Then they reappeared as they turned and scattered into another formation. It was a huge flock. I am sure they are migrating south. They were far enough away to not be able to see what species they were, they appeared black. They swooped up and down and to the side, looking like the tail of a kite. When they turned a certain way they were invisible until turning again to darken the sky.


I longed to feel that freedom of motion. They appeared to be playing chicken with the cars and trucks on the interstate as they swooped down and then up. Were they just reveling in being? In the moment of exhilaration? Is that what my son's ashes would look like if I were to loose them into the sky?


My son's ashes arrived today. He will be interred on the 21st of this month in Georgia. My job is to bring his ashes to the service. This will be the last trip he will ever take... Forever is a long time.

17 comments:

Alix said...

Oh Kathy! I am standing with you and being your friend. XO

Beautiful post.

Cathy said...

Hello Kathy
We have never met but I do so feel for you.
I don't think you could have explained your feelings any more clearly than you did in this post.
Take care
Cathy

Sunny said...

Oh Kathy, I'm so very sorry, my heart goes out to you.
I have lost dear family members but I can't imagine losing a son.
Sunny :)

Rae said...

My heart goes out to you for the loss that you are feeling. It is hard to describe that heavy feeling of void and emptiness because it goes beyond ordinary sadness. You remain in my thoughts and I pray that one day soon the pain of this tragedy will begin to ease.

The Good Cook said...

My heart is breaking for you. My wish and prayer is for you to find peace with this terrible time.

lifein3dee said...

A beautiful post. It made me think of this poem...

http://www.mamarocks.com/do_not_weep.htm

ellen abbott said...

Me too Kathy. I wish I could find the words to ease your heartache.

Carol said...

Kathy,

Words are hard at a time like this, for you and for your followers, readers and friends.

In lieu of friends:

Consider yourself sufficently hugged!

Hope it helps.

Kathy G said...

I remember feeling like this after my mom died, and again a few years later after MIL passed-she was almost like a mom to me.

Just know that your sadness will get better with time. Not all at once, but eventually you'll have more good days than bad ones.

Sandi McBride said...

I would choose to believe that the birds were your son's way of telling you goodbye and not grieve to long for him, but to throw yourself back into life...yes, I am sure that was the message to you...in my soul I am hugging you...
Sandi

labbie1 said...

Kathy,
I know you are searching for the words and memories are hard. Drive your son safely to his final rest with his loved one and know my thoughts and prayers go with you!

otin said...

One of the mysteries of life is what happens to us when we die. Some people believe that life on Earth is just a short stop in a long journey. Perhaps this is not his last trip?

My condolences and ((Hugs))

Jilly said...

I love you.

menopausaloldbag (MOB) said...

Kathy, your heart is clearly broken by this loss of your son. How you cope with that is hard to imagine. I wish I could give you a hug, an ear to let you talk about him and cook you a heartening meal to keep you going. X

Missy said...

No words to say but praying for you and so so sorry.

Pat said...

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. I believe in the afterlife, and believe your son is in heaven, next to our Lord. You will see him again.

Those birds are probably starlings. They gather together and join other flocks as they make their way south.

Karen said...

{{{kathy}}}