I was driving down the interstate today on a run to the grocery. The sky was blue with white fluffy clouds and the sun was shining. After all the rain I was in hopes that this would lighten my spirits. I have been sad since my son died. Sad seems like an inadequate word... and it is. I don't have words to express what has been in my mind and heart. I don't know that those words even exist. I have been in a sort of fog since I was told of his death and I know that I have a lot of feelings to sort and that will take time.
It was in this mood that I was driving along. Just staring out the window I happened to look up ahead to see a flock of birds suddenly swoop down and then up again and suddenly disappear. Then they reappeared as they turned and scattered into another formation. It was a huge flock. I am sure they are migrating south. They were far enough away to not be able to see what species they were, they appeared black. They swooped up and down and to the side, looking like the tail of a kite. When they turned a certain way they were invisible until turning again to darken the sky.
I longed to feel that freedom of motion. They appeared to be playing chicken with the cars and trucks on the interstate as they swooped down and then up. Were they just reveling in being? In the moment of exhilaration? Is that what my son's ashes would look like if I were to loose them into the sky?
My son's ashes arrived today. He will be interred on the 21st of this month in Georgia. My job is to bring his ashes to the service. This will be the last trip he will ever take... Forever is a long time.