Monday, October 6, 2014

Mowing Therapy

I am finding that I have an unlimited capacity for tears. Every day I cry. Some days I think I have cried all my tears, but I am wrong. It comes as no surprise that my Daddy is wasting away. I have known for some time that any more therapy was useless. Mama simply refused to accept it. Far be it from me to take her hope away. I did not try to convince her otherwise.

When I left to come home my sweet Daddy could not walk outside with me, but sat smiling at the breakfast table and told me to call him when I stopped for the night. He was too weak to get up. He told me that he knew he was dying when I arrived and seemed to have made his peace with that knowledge. We had a good visit.

He had a doctor's appointment last week to learn the results of his latest PET scan and MRI. I wish I had stayed. There is nothing left to do for him but to make him as comfortable as possible. I knew that, but now that Mama has accepted it, I can't seem to stop crying. Maybe her hope was also my hope.

I try to distract myself with TV, but can't seem to pay attention. I mow and mow, but find it to be a perfect opportunity to cry really loud. My face is not pretty and I don't care.

I discovered a snake under the trashcan in my dog park. It looked like a fat gray shoelace laying there when I moved the trashcan. I stopped, mower still running and entertained thoughts of picking it up so it would not get caught in my mower blade. For all the reasons above, I am not moving or thinking fast of late. I watched, in fascination as the shoelace moved and then coiled itself. I pulled my cell from my pocket and texted He Who mows and takes care of all things reptilian.

I simply texted "snake". He was across the open field on the big mower and I know he got the text because I saw him swerve as he was reading. I fully expected him to change course and drive the mower to me to see my find. I did not want to kill a "good" snake. This was just a baby snake and I am not good at identifying snakes. I used the shovel on my golf cart to scoop the shoelace snake up and move him out of my way.

The shoelace snake had the audacity to strike at me (well, the space between me and him, there was a lot, too). So I pronounced him a bad snake and used the shovel to disconnect his striking head from his shoelace body. Then I texted He Who did not respond to my first text, "dead snake" and continued to mow.

Think I will go mow some more now.


Anonymous said...

Too many bugs and spiders in our neck of the woods this year. Don't know how I'd feel about a snake, but I can't stand to kill anything. Terry makes the death decisions around here.

Joanne Noragon said...

Working till you cannot see straight is fine therapy. Anything mindless. Fortunately you have a lot of grass.

Linda O'Connell said...

I just lost my best friend and can't stop weeping, either. My tears teeter on the rims of my eyes waiting to spill at unexpected times.

Kathy, it is best to cry and get the sad out. I am sorry for you about your dad. Sooo sorry.

Letting go or holding on, I don't know which is worse.


Val said...

Sorry for your dad, not sorry for the snake. My dad went downhill really fast in his last two weeks. We were lucky to have a whole year with him after his diagnosis, but watching him for those two weeks made it easier to let him go. Which is not to say I didn't cry all the time from missing him.

joanne said...

it's times like this that I wish I knew something wonderful and supportive to say/give. Holding you and your daddy close to my heart is the best I can do. be well and know you are loved.

SkippyMom said...

I just went back through and caught up on your latest "adventures." Wow. You poor thing - but leave it to you to persevere. And as frustrating [understatement of the week, yes?] as it was, I am glad you are okay.

I was sorry to read about your dad. Please know I am sending good thoughts, hugs and keeping you all in my prayers.

Love and hugs, Skip

ellen abbott said...

Sorry about your dad. Mine died suddenly from a massive stroke in the middle of the night. I think that was better than knowing that he was dying and having to watch him decline. if there is anything good about dying except that we all will.