Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just A Little Unwell ......

Gray skies fill the horizon. The sky is gray and drab, the clouds are gray and drab. A chill is in the air and I can't seem to get past this gray funk I am drowning in.
No lights grace the entrance to my home. There is no tree to adorn. I feel gray inside. All I want to do is sleep. Don't want to eat, don't even want to shop ..............
Wait, did I say that out loud. No, you say, it cannot be. A woman who does not long to shop and fill her home with wonderful values.
I lolled the day away in my sloppy sweats yesterday. I reheated the same cup of coffee twice and sat, hunched over the keyboard, clicking my childhood away. Did not even shower or wash my hair. By the end of the day, it was standing on end.
So, this morning, with grave determination, I arose, drank my single serving of coffee and showered, dressed and even put on make-up. Unlike the people of WalMart, I try hard not to frighten small children when I am out and about.
I forced myself out the door and started my trusty mode of transportation. I heard a rumor. The Walmart in Mexico (the city, not the country) still had a fabric department. Will wonders never cease? Just what the doctor ordered. If chemical therapy fails me, surely the touch, the feel of fabric will suffice. I hold that thought of self medication as I navigate the almost 40 miles to get my fix.
I march smartly past the greeter and grace him with a beautific smile. I am humming "Anticipation" as I meander slowly towards my habit. First I make myself go down the pet aisle. I grab a pink ball for Oscar, soft treats for Emmy and Beggin strips for the younger ones. This WalMart has a bigger selection and I am drawn to the remedies. I spy a treatment that will prevent the eating of poop. Really, I am not kidding. Emmy has been known to treat herself to already digested dog food. Nasty little habit and for $3, I can prevent this. Amazing. Whatever, I will give it a whirl.
Feeling smug and satisfied, I push my cart along. I made use of the handy-dandy disinfectant wipes at the door, so I also feel healthy. Well, maybe that is pushing it.
I stop in linens. Just looking to see if they have decent sheets with a high thread count and deep pockets. They do, actually. But I am loathe to part with $75 for sheets when I need a fabric fix. Instead I compromise and score a set of sheet garters. The elastic is losing it's grip and the fitted sheet won't stay taut. I hate wrinkly sheets. The garters should do the trick.
I am getting close. I can smell the fabric! I push my clean handled cart along as I run my hands over cottons and blends and polyesters and I am in my happy place. Then I see it! The clearance section. I suck in my breath and dive in. I got some nice twill for jumpers and corduroy, too. ALL ON SALE. Full price, even a decent price does not make me happy, it must be dirt cheap to make me feel noble. And may I just say, that I am very noble.
I get the pieces cut and head off to get the necessities of a Thanksgiving feast for two. Celery and chicken stock. Because the store is unfamiliar I am forced to go up and down each and every aisle. My fabric elation is wearing off. I am finding things I forgot I needed and it isn't too crowded. I should feel fine. I should.
But, there it is, tickling my spine and waiting to attack. I have not had a full panic attack in years. But I know what is about to happen if I don't get out of this place. If not for the precious bundle of cut fabric nestled in that cart, I would simply have walked away and driven home. I made it to the check out lane and the closeness of the merchandise stacked on either side of me saved me. The calm descended and I was able to pay and get out. The cold wind in my face was refreshing and I made it home just fine.
It has occurred to me that maybe my dosage needs to be adjusted.

14 comments:

Brian Miller said...

good job getting yourself out and about...ugh on the near panic attack...glad you had the fabric to comfort you...eating poop...hmmm...hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Whitney Lee said...

It seems like this is the time of year when it all gets a bit wonky. It's the weather and the dark and all the pressure of the holidays (which are supposed to be fun, right?). I hope tomorrow dawns with new excitement.
I totally understand the noble feeling. I always feel exceedingly virtuous when I manage to find a steal.

jojo said...

Oh I know that tingling little feeling all too well. You did amazing getting yourself out and to a safe place again. Yay you!
Thank goodness for yummy fabric. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

SkippyMom said...

Wow - I can feel the peril in your writing. I am sorry it is like that for you.

It was nice to have the fabric tho', huh? I know the girls will adore what you make for them. You are so talented.

Have a nice Thanksgiving my friend. I hope it is quiet and relaxing.

Rae said...

I know that feeling. It is scary, unsettling, and hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it.
It's one of the reasons I hate crowds. In spite of the panic, you managed to get your fabric. Good for you. Happy sewing.

Sextant said...

If you find your mood in a the dumps a lot in the winter months, check out Seasonal Affective Disorder. It is change in brain chemistry due to reduction of light in the winter months. Its a big problem in Russia. It can be treated by simply sitting under a special light for so many minutes a day.

I seem to suffer from the gloom when there is a lot of snow on the ground and the weather is just pure crap. I have found two great aids. The Christmas Tree and hot chocolate. We leave our tree up until April (obviously an artificial). For me there are two requirements, the tree lights have to be on, and the lights have to be colored (non-led) lights. Tried the LED lights one year and I hated them. Too harsh & the colors are pure, there is no element of natural lighting in them. No good for wintertime blues therapy, at least for me. My wife watches my tree lighting behavior. Some time after the vernal equinox, I stop turning on the tree lights as soon as I walk in the house. A couple of days of failure to turn them on and boom she starts beating the drum to take down the tree. I am not even aware of not turning them on.

The hot chocolate. I am a chocolaholic, but oddly I have never cared for hot chocolate even as a kid. But in the past 10 years when suffering the ravages of winter, I have found it to be very comforting, even though I am still not all that terribly fond of the stuff. In other words, I don't find that much pleasure in drinking it, but I feel better after I do.

Of course there is that other stuff that we have discussed elsewhere. My wife and I call that being snowed in. An afternoon of being snowed in is very therapeutic. Of course I don't have people knocking at my door wanting bags of ice.

Joanne said...

Kathy, my heart was thumping. I know a panic disorder person and admire her will and self control when unexpectedly sandbagged. I admire yours, too.Stuff for poop eaters--I need to find that.

Sandi McBride said...

Kath I was beginning to get worried!!!! I know how you feel though, the sun seems to hide this time of year and the weather won't behave...it's hot it's cold!! You're going to be fine!
hugs
Sandi

Sandi McBride said...

Kath I was beginning to get worried!!!! I know how you feel though, the sun seems to hide this time of year and the weather won't behave...it's hot it's cold!! You're going to be fine!
hugs
Sandi

ellen abbott said...

probably a good idea to get your meds checked but you might also check out those special lights like Sextant suggested. I hate the shorter days and it's very hard to get me to go out at night. Once out the door and on my way I'm usually OK but getting me out of the house after dark in the winter is not easy. But yay on the fabric!

Sextant said...

Here is an informative article from Columbia University (rather than a vendor of the lights) on light therapy for S.A.D.

http://www.columbia.edu/~mt12/blt.htm

Here is an article from Consumer Reports:

http://www.consumerreports.org/health/free-highlights/manage-your-health/winter_depression.htm

Amazon.com sells a variety of SAD therapy lamps but I would read up about them prior to buying one.

Meggie said...

Oh Kathy, wish I could have been there to hold your hand. I have never had a panic attack, but my son gets them occasionally.
I have been in a might funk myself, but I suppose I have some good reasons. Knee infected, weather grey wet and cold. Still in mourning, & hating to be so helpless about doing things.
Ah well, I am sure it will all be a distant memory next year!

Chickadee said...

Thank you for sharing your experience because it helps to know that I'm not alone. I have depression and anxiety and know all too well the difficulty finding the enthusiasm to go out and then dealing with anxiety.

And I hope you share your crafted creations when you finish :)

Mamma has spoken said...

I have that problem too except it's when a store is crowded :o(